Sharing Perspectives on Wedding Postponements – What Couples, Venues & Suppliers Would Like Each Other To Know

As the saying goes, we should all walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to really understand what they’re going through. Right now, practicing empathy and understanding that we are all reacting to the current situation in different ways for a multitude of reasons is so very important.

It’s easy to jump to a decision and judge actions and reactions, especially when mainstream media share unbalanced and unfair journalism, but some many individual and unique experiences drive our decision-making processes that unless we take a moment to consider someone else’s position, it’s all too easy to see their world through our own glasses, and that can distort things sometimes.

We know, from countless emails and conversations with couples, venues and suppliers that we’re all finding the current situation challenging, upsetting, worrying, difficult and downright anxiety inducing. Too much is unknown and too much is up in the air. Carefully made plans no longer apply and what we thought we knew has gone too.

And so, we want to make a plea for everyone to just put themselves in someone else’s shoes – for everyone to see things from another perspective and to embrace each other with kindness, understanding and compassion.

We’re really happy to welcome our friend Nina from Occasion Queens to Love My Dress today, to share what she has learned since lockdown by working with couples, venues and suppliers. Nina’s insight is, for us all, revelatory and her advice is given freely, and with love, to help us all understand each other a little better.

I’ll hand you over to Nina and whether you’re planning a wedding or are a wedding professional, I hope you find this insight interesting.

This is another long, but essential article. Get the kettle on before you proceed, and remember to bookmark for future reference.

What everyone is feeling right now

In the lead up to the UK going into lockdown it was very clear how weddings were going to be impacted in the immediate future, and for everyone in the industry and for couples, that was a scary time. A really scary time.

However, there was absolutely no way I was going to let fear overwhelm so many. Occasion Queens specialises in on the day coordination and we have always been about giving couples a stress-free wedding day, we are all about problem solving and we are all about giving couples reassurance. I knew that with so much unknown, we had to be there to help our couples more now than ever before. So, together with the support of Ashleigh, who runs Pink Palms Events and Occasion Queen’s Surrey team we launched Plan to Postpone.

Plan to Postpone is a resource available to all couples who are looking for guidance when it comes to postponing their wedding. We have a Facebook group, a mailing list, a YouTube channel full of recorded LIVE Zooms, blog posts on top tips, an action plan and checklists to ensure you can handle your postponement. It is evolving all the time as we learn and react to the changing environment. It’s completely free and you can register here.

As Occasion Queens works across so many weddings in London and the Home Counties, we also consult for venues on weddings. We bring them the inside knowledge of what couples are really looking for and how to get their ideal client. We are lucky enough to work with a variety of industries including pubs such as Fuller’s brewery, high end hotels like The Andaz, and barns such as The Barns at Lodge Farm in Essex.

Thanks to working with both suppliers, venues and couples, we have gained a real insight into how we are all reacting to this and I wanted to bring some of those thoughts to all of us. Let’s see this situation from all our points of views, remembering that there is no right or wrong here, just everyone doing the best they can in a forever changing environment.

Couples, this is what venues would like you to know

1. Small family run venues have a lot more flexibility than venues that are part of a larger group. Bear this in mind when you are comparing with others what your venue’s approach has been
2. It is a lot harder/almost impossible for venues that are part of a larger group to make decisions on a more individual basis. They have to be fair to everyone. Can you imagine if two people weren’t treated the same way and it came out on social media?
3. Overhead costs are high – and they are putting in place policies and procedures that ensure you still have a venue to get married in which may be why there are associated costs with postponing. Each venue is different though, some will have bank loans (especially the smaller startup venues) that could be in the hundreds of thousands of pounds, others will have been established for years and have the profit to weather the storm.
4. If your venue is small, they may not have full planning permission for events which means that they can only host 12 – 15 weddings a year. This then becomes very tricky when looking to postpone to next year as they may be at or near their capacity already. These venues may need more time to apply for new or differ the licenses depending on the rules at their local council (there is not one rule for all in this one) or they may have to cancel which obviously no one wants at all
5. Trying to postpone too soon is not something that can be entertained right now. Many venues are looking at the monthly costs they still have to pay whether weddings take place or not. So, if they start postponing weddings before they know they need to, it could be seriously damaging to the business. Imagine if they have to start paying all their staff after furlough finishes but with no weddings taking place
6. Although they fully appreciate that you had your heart set on a Saturday wedding in the summer, it isn’t their fault if they don’t have the availability next year! Remember you chose them for a reason and that means so did lots of other people, possibly up to 3 years in advance! Luckily those future bookings are helping venues right now with payments still coming in
7. Be more flexible to the options that are available to you – such as, a weekday or autumn/winter wedding, because this will mean that you get to marry the one you love a lot quicker and with a lot less hassle and potential financial loss. With everything that has happened/is happening we would hope that employers, friends and family are a lot more understanding and able to take time off of work to support your big day. They will probably have excess holiday to take now too! There will also be a higher chance that all your suppliers will still be available too
8. Please don’t shoot the messenger. Venues are doing all they can. Although your venue coordinator has been amazing throughout, just remember, it’s not his or her fault if they don’t have the answers you want to hear. Often they aren’t the ones that are paying the bills and putting these policies together so their hands are tied on many occasions. This is an extremely emotive time for all, be kind with your words and remember, they are doing all they can within their remit to help you.

Couples this is what wedding suppliers would like you to know

1. Please listen to experts and not hearsay. We are all struggling with the media hype around what will happen in the future, and many of us are distancing ourselves from it because it can be so overwhelming. We ask you to base your decisions on the facts presented by the Government, not a random Scientist you’ve never heard of China or something that a tabloid has exaggerated or speculated. We all have to make decisions based on these facts for insurance purposes and to avoid panic decisions
2. Most of us are not rolling in money! Yes we know there is a big fat rumour that as soon as you put the word ‘wedding’ into any quote the price goes up but if you are using reputable suppliers, this just isn’t the case. The reality is that most suppliers are small, independent creatives, working from home and making their way to keep paying the mortgage, feed their kids and god forbid, go on holiday – just like you! We aren’t trying to do you out of more money, we are just trying to earn an honest living, doing what we love and keep our businesses (that have required blood, sweat, and tears getting them to where they are today) going at the end of this year.
3. If you can pay now, even just partially pay now, that is a massive help. You may have already saved your wedding budget and it is just sitting there. Please speak to your suppliers and see if it would help them if you pay part or all of the remaining balance now. This could make a huge difference to them
4. We will still be here! If you are worried about wedding suppliers going bust, don’t be. Does this mean we may have to get a small part time job? Yes, some of us might, but just to tide us over. It does not mean at all that we are going to give up on everything we have built and love. Our businesses are our babies, they will survive, they are our passion and we are completely invested in your day.
5. As with everything, communication is key – and although suppliers appreciate that your venue will have much of the say with the new date, do check with your suppliers first before confirming if they can do it. Websites like Doodle Poll are a great way to make life easier for yourself and see which of your suppliers can do the dates available easily
6. When making decisions on when to postpone, work with your suppliers to look at the deadlines that work for them and you. For example, if you are waiting to print your invites, talk to your stationer about when the latest is that they can send them to print that means they will then get sent out in time and you will get the RSVP’s in time. Work backwards and check that the decision making process is an inclusive as possible
7. Pricing is a really sensitive subject right now – but if you feel that a price increase is unfair for booking a 2021 date just talk to your supplier as to why. For example, if you booked your cake or flowers in 2019, the price would have reflected costs at that time. The price of ingredients and flowers will have gone up slightly this year which would have been taken into consideration but to have the increase of costs on two years worth of inflation, well that will likely mean that your cake or flowers will make your supplier no money at all so a small increase in cost will support them to cover their outgoings.
8. Remember, this isn’t just a change of date. By planning a wedding, especially on a key date for 2021, it is likely that the supplier can’t take a new booking for that date. This means that they are losing out twice.
9. If you are now on the hunt for a new supplier because your original supplier can’t do the new date, think carefully before asking them for a discount. There is not one person in the wedding industry who hasn’t been hit hard by this – we are going to be working doubly hard next year for a lot less money! Although we absolutely sympathise with how hard this is for you both emotionally and financially, it can be an awkward conversation for a new supplier to have and not how they want to start that relationship with you. Valuing a suppliers worth is so important to ensuring you get the very best from them
10. Trust us, your wedding may now be in a different month of season but as professionals we can guide you on how to still create the wedding of your dreams. Reach out to your suppliers and use our industry knowledge to your advantage, let us guide on how your wedding will still look absolutely amazing, even if you can’t get peonies!
11. Get a wedding website and send this to your suppliers too! A wedding website is the easiest way right now to keep everyone up to date and informed on what your plans are if you are postponing but, don’t forget to share it with us! It really does help us make sure we have all the details
12. Although your wedding may not be exactly how you thought, this is your chance to throw the rule book out the window and be as creative as you want! If social distancing means your guests spill out into more of the venue, that’s great for getting varied photos. If you never wanted a receiving line but your parents insisted, well now you have the best excuse ever!
13. Don’t base everything around the registrars. We know that registrars are really hard to get hold of right now as they have to concentrate on rearrangements and registering births and sadly, an increase in deaths. But don’t worry – celebrants are the best solution to this problem. They can create a really personal ceremony that has so much more meaning. This will massively take the pressure of you trying to rearrange this part and you can then get the legal bit done whenever you want (just don’t forget!)
14. Allow yourself the time to go through the emotions. We get how hard this is on you so have that moment of grief for the plans you made, we can cry together, but embrace the fact that waiting a while longer will not affect the way you feel about each other. This is just a pause. It could enable you to have an even better day by having more time to save for things you wouldn’t have been able to get this year like a videographer.

Suppliers and venues – these are thoughts and feelings from couples

1. The anxiety, the stress and the tears are real. Telling us to be patient is extremely hard. The impact on our mental health is quite huge and we don’t always know which way to turn. Please be more open in what you are telling us, explain your reasoning behind the decisions you are making and enable us to understand to ease our stress
2. Venues allowing some of us to put provisional dates on hold will help us enormously with our mental health – giving our suppliers plenty of notice and our guests options for travel and accommodation. We understand that this isn’t always an option but please explain to us why as this feels like a simple step in allowing us to gain back a degree of control around a situation that feels very much out of our hands right now. We are being bombarded with texts and calls from family and friends wondering what they should do, on top of just dealing with the coronavirus situation itself and worrying about family and friends getting ill, and then the anxiety and stress of our wedding potentially not going ahead as planned but not knowing. It’s a lot, some may say too much. Provisional dates would really help us when our wedding is just a few months away.
3. This isn’t just about our big day. Once we got engaged we immediately started planning the coming years and for many of us, we planned on getting married at a time that also meant we could start a family. Postponing our wedding to 2021 has a massive impact on those plans that for some of us aren’t changeable such as our age, IVF treatment and our religious beliefs. This just adds to our emotional heartache and decision making, it is bigger than just finding a new date
4. For some of us, we know now that we won’t be able to get married on our date, because some of our immediate family have to shield or are classed in the ‘vulnerable’ or ‘extremely vulnerable’ category. Please can you be more flexible if this is the case and treat us on a more individual basis? I am sure you would never consider getting married without all your parents and grandparents there to see it.
5. Payment plans can really help us right now. Lots of us also run our own businesses or have been made redundant or lost new jobs we were about to start, and although we see no reason why our big day can’t go ahead as we planned, payment plans would really help us not get into debt at a time when we really can’t afford to
6. We don’t know the process or the industry. This is all new to us and we find it quite overwhelming, please help and guide us through, imparting the years of knowledge you have. Some of us can’t get our dress fitted or try on suits yet but we are expected to get married in 3 months, how is this even going to be possible?
7. We see you posting on social media but you aren’t communicating with us. Please remember that we see the pretty picture on Instagram and therefore know you are still active but our email has been sitting in your inbox for over a month unanswered, this seems very unfair. Please pause your social media scheduling apps, rephrase what you are saying make us feel like you are looking after us first.
8. We talk. There are endless groups on social media where recommendations are asked for, our friends are all getting married and our guests will possibly see you on the day. Treat us kindly now and we will sing your praises wherever we can, be that with testimonials, to the press, to people we know or on social media. We will support you in any way we can if you help us now.

And for everyone to consider…

• Flexibility will help postponements be as hassle free and as stress free as possible.
• Communication is vital to ensuring everyone understands each other’s perspectives, loses the least amount of money and ensures the best wedding ever!
• This isn’t fair for anybody, it is no one faults, we are all just trying to find our way amongst corona chaos.
• No one is breaking up or not getting married at all. It is just a new date, a slightly different wedding but still all the love. It’s a pause, not a cancellation.

Annabel
View all Annabel’s articles

Annabel is the founder of Love My Dress. She lives in rural North Yorkshire with her husband and business partner Philip, two daughters Eska and Leanora and three dogs. She is passionate about photography, supporting women in business and in life, and is in her element being surrounded by nature and the countryside.